daabusiness.blogg.se - War the four horsemen

In fact, it may help to write a list of these qualities and return to it when you need a reminder.ģ. Contempt can grow over time when a person focuses on the qualities they dislike in their partner and builds up these qualities in their mind.Ĭonstructive alternative: Instead of keeping score of all of your partner’s flaws, consider their positive qualities and the things you appreciate most about them. It may involve mean-spirited sarcasm, mockery, eye-rolling, sneering, or name-calling. Contempt. Contempt is a more destructive form of criticism that involves treating your partner with disrespect, disgust, condescension, or ridicule. See the Active Listening practice for more suggestions along these lines.Ģ. Note that criticism itself is not necessarily a recipe for relationship failure-the problem with criticism is that excessive or extreme criticism can, over time, lead to the more destructive “horsemen.”Ĭonstructive alternative: There’s nothing wrong with voicing concerns and complaints in a relationship, but try to do so in a way that focuses on your own feelings (and how your partner’s behavior affects you)-for instance, by making “I” statements, like “I feel lonely when you come home late for dinner”-and mentions specific negative behaviors rather than making global attacks on their entire personality (“I feel neglected when you make plans without me” rather than “You are so inconsiderate!”). A sign that you may be engaging in this more harmful form of criticism is if you catch yourself using terms like “never” and always”-for example, “You never think about anyone but yourself!” or, “You are always so stubborn!” Some forms of criticism are constructive, but in this case criticism refers to making negative judgments or proclamations about your partner in extreme, absolute terms.

If/when you feel comfortable, you could invite your partner to participate with you in this practice.ġ.

Did you or your partner engage in any of the “four horsemen” behaviors, and if so, did you catch yourself and try to take a different approach during the conflict? What went well, and what could you improve for next time? After the conflict, make a note of how things went.

Don’t be too hard on yourself if you slip up-it can be challenging to stay focused during the heat of an argument, and these habits can take time to change.

The next time you find yourself in a conflict with your partner, make an active effort to avoid the “four horsemen” and engage in more constructive behaviors instead.

Read the descriptions of the constructive alternatives that can be used in place of the “four horsemen” and consider how you might put these behaviors into practice, if you have not already.

Read the descriptions of the “four horsemen” below and consider whether you and/or your partner ever engage in any of these behaviors during conflicts.